Me and my little guy Jason

Me and my little guy Jason

Friday, August 5, 2011

My Special Visit With Kekoa

It was the best experience ever. It all started at Lego Land. The moment I saw his sister, mom, and him my heart just melted. They came walking across the parking lot and I wanted to run to them. Not just run, but run and skip at the same time. When I first came up to him he just stared at me like I thought he would, but he was still content. I got to take him out of his stroller and take a few pictures with him. He didn't even cry! He is such a big boy, but full of love and energy. His mom and sister wanted to ride one of the rides and asked if I would mind watching him. Of course not!! I was afraid that he would cry, but to my surprise he didn't. He ran around and even walked up to me and wanted me to hold him. When I picked him up he laid his head on my shoulder. I was so happy I wanted to cry. It reminded me of a very special moment we had in the hospital. He is the happiest and cutest little boy ever.

I thought it might be a little hard to see him and then leave, but I actually felt pretty good after wards. I felt happy inside because I knew he was happy. I got to see it for myself. I got to see how much he loves his mom and how his mom knows him so well. I felt a little sad that I didn't know his little personality, but at the same time I completely understood and didn't focus on that. He is just a perfect little boy with nothing to offer but love and happiness to others. I love how much he loves his sister and mom. He kept walking up to people and putting his head on their laps at my brothers house. It was so cute. He interacted well with my niece, nephews, and sister in law, but not so much my brother. I bought him a little nerf football and he actually played with it. That made me happy cause I want him to like football. :)

Anyways it really was the best day ever!! I will always love him and am thankful for his mom for trusting me so much to be with him and let me watch him while they were busy having fun. No ride in the world could make me as happy as just watching that little boy have fun and live life.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I had blogged a few days ago about how things were going in my life with certain emotions I was having. Well....on Sunday I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting on Scheduling the Savior in our lives. At first I thought it was a hard topic to speak on and it still is kind of, but when I was asked Brother Job made a comment that has stuck with me the past few days. He said "well with everything going on in your life lately, maybe preparing this talk throughout the week will help you focus MORE on the Savior and things will get better." Well it has only been two days and boy has my week been great so far.

For example I woke up yesterday and thought I was going to die because I went jogging. Ok....I attempted to, but none the less I ran. While I was running and trying to clear my mind the topic of my talk came to mind. Of course the big question came "do I schedule the Savior in my life?" So when I came home I knelt down and started praying about somethings that were on my mind and found myself thinking of ways to better schedule the Savior in my life. Shortly after those thoughts I started telling the Lord that I wanted to give things up in my life, but I didn't know how. Right after my prayer I had all the strength I needed to make some phone calls and texts to rid myself of certain things holding me back from growing. I still have that strength, but know if I don't work at it I may not stay strong. Anyways I went to my parents house and had all this energy after my run and started cleaning refrigerators, freezers, and junk drawers. It felt good to do some service. Then I got my new laptop in the mail which is exciting because I want to take some online classes in the fall. The best part of my day was when I saw that the blog Jasons mom made for me was updated. Could the day really get much better after that? YES.....I got a job! I immediately knew I had made the right choices that morning and was being blessed because of it. I have NEVER felt that strongly about my prayers being answered so quickly and know immediately I was being blessed because of the decisions I made.

I don't have a lot more to blog about except I do want to say that I love the adoptive family my baby is with. They give more pictures than I could have ever hoped for and they keep me informed on everything he does. I get videos that I never even thought about asking for. I feel very blessed lately and am very grateful for all I have.

Monday, March 7, 2011


I often wonder what my life will be like in the future. At this time in my life I always thought I would be married with a few kids and as happy as can be. Obviously this isn't how my life is right now. I am as happy as I can be right now and I had one child, but am not raising him.

A few months ago I thought my life was going to be so different. Back in August I met someone and thought he was the one. I thought my life was going to be with him for eternity. Well it didn't work out that way. At first I wondered why the Lord would let me go through this when I just went through something so hard. That sat with me for a while and I finally realized that the Lord didn't let me go through this I did. All the things I went through were because of decisions I made. The Lord is just there for me when I fall or am hurt and even happy.

I was having a really hard time with this break up. I wondered why. Normally I get over these things pretty quick and I wasn't. I mean after all I just placed my son with a new family to be raised I should have been able to handle this pretty well right? Wrong! I felt HORRIBLE knowing that things with this guy had ended and that I was hurting more than I was when I said goodbye to my baby boy. I came to the conclusion that I knew for 7 months that I was going to be placing him. I prayed that I would remember in the times that were the hardest that this really was and is the right thing for ALL of us. When I met this guy I just had such strong feelings for him that I was sure he was the one. We talked about marriage, but in the end it didn't work out. I didn't think we wouldn't be together. I pictured my whole life with him. I imagined being in the temple with him, and what my kids with him would look like. I mean everything you think of when wanting to marry someone I thought of. Anyways 7 months I had to think about, pray about, and prepare to say goodbye to my son. I had all of one minute to realize that this guy was saying goodbye to me forever. I was feeling so guilty because I couldn't handle feeling that I was more saddened by the man I loved leaving me than me leaving my son. I know that Heavenly Father was with me when I said goodbye to my son and I'm sure he was there for me with the break up, but I learned again how much the Lord really was with me through this whole thing and always is with me. So to any other birth moms who may go through this, just remember that the Lord is with you and it may not be all the strange that you hurt more with certain things than when you said goodbye to your child because He loves you enough to help you through the harder times and let us learn from the other maybe not so hard times.

Saturday, February 12, 2011


Well it is time for an update. Jason is doing great. He is one big boy and absolutely LOVES his family. He scoots around and his mom said that when he wants something he wants it right now and cries until he gets it. Sounds a bit like me. Well I don't cry, but when I want something I want it right then and there. He is a very happy baby as you can see by his pictures.

As for me....well that is a different story. I am doing okay most times. I love hearing about how Jason is doing, but at times I miss him so much that nothing seems to soothe my empty arms. I just wish I could kiss his chubby little cheeks and squeeze him tight and tell him that I love him everyday. I wish I could take my time watching him grow day by day. On the flip side I get more pictures than I ever imagined I would and get to see the changes in that cute chubby little face and personality.

Spiritually things seem to get a bit hard for me when my emotions are not on point, but I do remember to turn to the Lord. I am working on trying to remember the Lord when things are easy and tough and not to try to do it all on my own, but sometimes I forget. I love being a part of this gospel. Sometimes I think it was so easy to just stay where I was, but I realize it really isn't because of the guilt I feel.

I met a new birth mom a few weeks ago and it took me back to where I was and how the unknown was so scary. I remember not knowing how I was really going to feel about the actions I was about to take. I have truly been blessed with my experience and am happy to meet new birth moms and share our stories. I hope that one day I can help someone who maybe isn't doing the same thing I did, but is still having a hard time with changing their life. If not it doesn't really matter because I if anything else have changed.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Blessing and Sealing

Jason has been blessed and sealed! I thought it was going to be really hard on me and to a certain extent it was, but once again I got through it much better than I thought with the help of the Lord. Things got a bit hectic for me with my thoughts and emotions running crazy. I couldn't seem to figure out what I was really upset with for quite some time, but the past few weeks I have been feeling great!

Jason was blessed on December 5, 2010. His mom made him the cutest pants to wear for the blessing and sealing. She said that when they went to court, the blessing, and the Temple to be sealed he "messed" his pants. Well I can honestly say (not some of my friends can say this) that I have not "messed" my pants when experiencing a change, but sometimes my body feels like I am going to.

He was sealed to his family on December 23, 2010 and from the pictures I have received it looked so peaceful and happy. His family truly loves him and accepts him in to their family so well. I am so happy for them to all be one eternal family. My thoughts and feelings about this really can't be explained with words, but every emotion you can imagine having through this I had. Mostly good of course, but a bit emotional at the same time.

I am so grateful that he has been blessed and sealed. As hard as it is to know that he really is not mine I am truly happy to know he has an eternal family who LOVES him. I told his mom that I often wonder if the Lord would have told them to adopt when they prayed about it had I not been doing the things I was doing. I honestly feel that Jason was meant to be in that family. I never thought much about things like that, but one day I was thinking how I couldn't imagine Jason with any other family. And trust me I had a lot to choose from and I knew right away that they were the ones. It is proof to me that the Lord takes care of ALL of his children no matter how wrong their choices are. I never would have thought I would have been one of "those" girls who gets pregnant, but I was and the Lord didn't just say go and do whatever you want. He lead me to a much happier life. I am not saying to make bad choices, but because I have made my choices he made the best of it that he could. I have met some pretty cool girls through my birth moms group and have become great friends with them.

I sent Jason a gift for Christmas and his mom told me that when he was opening it he was so excited as if he really knew who it was from. I love that story and only wish to have seen his little face while opening it.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

As of November 22, 2010 Jason was officially adopted. He is going to be sealed to his new parents December 23, 2010. They are so happy. I have mixed emotions about this, but am still very happy that he will have an eternal family.

Since my last blog update so much has changed. Things have gotten a bit harder for me emotionally, but with the Lords help I am making it. I have often thought about girls like me going through this very thing and have always told myself that I was not strong enough to do this. Well, when it is you everything changes. You realize that the Lord blesses you with the strength to do this because it is the right thing to do. He doesn't take the pain away, but he does help you get through it.

I have been able to keep contact with Jason's family. They update the blog they've created for me all the time. If they don't update the blog they email me about once a week.

I have also met someone. He is a very special somebody. He is so patient and understands me. And for anybody who knows me knows how difficult I can be sometimes so imagine how patient he must be. He is so supportive of my situation and is involved as much as anybody possibly can be. He is there when I need him and even when I don't. He is always thinking of others. He loves to serve others and does it well. He is a cop who loves his fellow "brothers and sisters" and would do ANYTHING to protect them and the city he works for. In a nut shell he is AMAZING! T

My life has been completely flipped upside down and shaken, but with that I can honestly say that all the things that should be falling out of my life is and it feels good. I am slowly turning my life around again and getting things back in order with the help of my wonderful mother, my amazing family, my special somebody, great friends, and most of all the Lord.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

So on September 18, 2010 I got to go back to the Temple for the first time in a year. It was better than I could even remember. I felt the spirit so strong there that I never want to forget how that feels again. The power of the atonement is stronger than I could have ever imagined. I am so grateful to have the atonement. From my own personal experience I know the Lord and our Savior love us.

I have still been getting updates on Jason and he is such a big boy. I miss him like crazy still, but I know he is happy and healthy. His family love him so much and it is so comforting to see all the beautiful pictures of them together. I love that they are outside so much. When I was younger I use to LOVE playing outside. Even now I still love to do things outside. Not so much in the summer, but the rest of the year I do.

My Grandma Jones passed away yesterday morning and was reunited with her wonderful husband. I know they were both so happy to be together again. I have been thinking a lot about this day coming and although I will miss Grandma I am so happy for her. I am happy for the knowledge of eternal families. Although Jason will be sealed to another family, in the end we will all be one big family.