It was the best experience ever. It all started at Lego Land. The moment I saw his sister, mom, and him my heart just melted. They came walking across the parking lot and I wanted to run to them. Not just run, but run and skip at the same time. When I first came up to him he just stared at me like I thought he would, but he was still content. I got to take him out of his stroller and take a few pictures with him. He didn't even cry! He is such a big boy, but full of love and energy. His mom and sister wanted to ride one of the rides and asked if I would mind watching him. Of course not!! I was afraid that he would cry, but to my surprise he didn't. He ran around and even walked up to me and wanted me to hold him. When I picked him up he laid his head on my shoulder. I was so happy I wanted to cry. It reminded me of a very special moment we had in the hospital. He is the happiest and cutest little boy ever.
I thought it might be a little hard to see him and then leave, but I actually felt pretty good after wards. I felt happy inside because I knew he was happy. I got to see it for myself. I got to see how much he loves his mom and how his mom knows him so well. I felt a little sad that I didn't know his little personality, but at the same time I completely understood and didn't focus on that. He is just a perfect little boy with nothing to offer but love and happiness to others. I love how much he loves his sister and mom. He kept walking up to people and putting his head on their laps at my brothers house. It was so cute. He interacted well with my niece, nephews, and sister in law, but not so much my brother. I bought him a little nerf football and he actually played with it. That made me happy cause I want him to like football. :)
Anyways it really was the best day ever!! I will always love him and am thankful for his mom for trusting me so much to be with him and let me watch him while they were busy having fun. No ride in the world could make me as happy as just watching that little boy have fun and live life.
Me and my little guy Jason
Friday, August 5, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
News!!!
I had blogged a few days ago about how things were going in my life with certain emotions I was having. Well....on Sunday I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting on Scheduling the Savior in our lives. At first I thought it was a hard topic to speak on and it still is kind of, but when I was asked Brother Job made a comment that has stuck with me the past few days. He said "well with everything going on in your life lately, maybe preparing this talk throughout the week will help you focus MORE on the Savior and things will get better." Well it has only been two days and boy has my week been great so far.
For example I woke up yesterday and thought I was going to die because I went jogging. Ok....I attempted to, but none the less I ran. While I was running and trying to clear my mind the topic of my talk came to mind. Of course the big question came "do I schedule the Savior in my life?" So when I came home I knelt down and started praying about somethings that were on my mind and found myself thinking of ways to better schedule the Savior in my life. Shortly after those thoughts I started telling the Lord that I wanted to give things up in my life, but I didn't know how. Right after my prayer I had all the strength I needed to make some phone calls and texts to rid myself of certain things holding me back from growing. I still have that strength, but know if I don't work at it I may not stay strong. Anyways I went to my parents house and had all this energy after my run and started cleaning refrigerators, freezers, and junk drawers. It felt good to do some service. Then I got my new laptop in the mail which is exciting because I want to take some online classes in the fall. The best part of my day was when I saw that the blog Jasons mom made for me was updated. Could the day really get much better after that? YES.....I got a job! I immediately knew I had made the right choices that morning and was being blessed because of it. I have NEVER felt that strongly about my prayers being answered so quickly and know immediately I was being blessed because of the decisions I made.
I don't have a lot more to blog about except I do want to say that I love the adoptive family my baby is with. They give more pictures than I could have ever hoped for and they keep me informed on everything he does. I get videos that I never even thought about asking for. I feel very blessed lately and am very grateful for all I have.
For example I woke up yesterday and thought I was going to die because I went jogging. Ok....I attempted to, but none the less I ran. While I was running and trying to clear my mind the topic of my talk came to mind. Of course the big question came "do I schedule the Savior in my life?" So when I came home I knelt down and started praying about somethings that were on my mind and found myself thinking of ways to better schedule the Savior in my life. Shortly after those thoughts I started telling the Lord that I wanted to give things up in my life, but I didn't know how. Right after my prayer I had all the strength I needed to make some phone calls and texts to rid myself of certain things holding me back from growing. I still have that strength, but know if I don't work at it I may not stay strong. Anyways I went to my parents house and had all this energy after my run and started cleaning refrigerators, freezers, and junk drawers. It felt good to do some service. Then I got my new laptop in the mail which is exciting because I want to take some online classes in the fall. The best part of my day was when I saw that the blog Jasons mom made for me was updated. Could the day really get much better after that? YES.....I got a job! I immediately knew I had made the right choices that morning and was being blessed because of it. I have NEVER felt that strongly about my prayers being answered so quickly and know immediately I was being blessed because of the decisions I made.
I don't have a lot more to blog about except I do want to say that I love the adoptive family my baby is with. They give more pictures than I could have ever hoped for and they keep me informed on everything he does. I get videos that I never even thought about asking for. I feel very blessed lately and am very grateful for all I have.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Life
I often wonder what my life will be like in the future. At this time in my life I always thought I would be married with a few kids and as happy as can be. Obviously this isn't how my life is right now. I am as happy as I can be right now and I had one child, but am not raising him.
A few months ago I thought my life was going to be so different. Back in August I met someone and thought he was the one. I thought my life was going to be with him for eternity. Well it didn't work out that way. At first I wondered why the Lord would let me go through this when I just went through something so hard. That sat with me for a while and I finally realized that the Lord didn't let me go through this I did. All the things I went through were because of decisions I made. The Lord is just there for me when I fall or am hurt and even happy.
I was having a really hard time with this break up. I wondered why. Normally I get over these things pretty quick and I wasn't. I mean after all I just placed my son with a new family to be raised I should have been able to handle this pretty well right? Wrong! I felt HORRIBLE knowing that things with this guy had ended and that I was hurting more than I was when I said goodbye to my baby boy. I came to the conclusion that I knew for 7 months that I was going to be placing him. I prayed that I would remember in the times that were the hardest that this really was and is the right thing for ALL of us. When I met this guy I just had such strong feelings for him that I was sure he was the one. We talked about marriage, but in the end it didn't work out. I didn't think we wouldn't be together. I pictured my whole life with him. I imagined being in the temple with him, and what my kids with him would look like. I mean everything you think of when wanting to marry someone I thought of. Anyways 7 months I had to think about, pray about, and prepare to say goodbye to my son. I had all of one minute to realize that this guy was saying goodbye to me forever. I was feeling so guilty because I couldn't handle feeling that I was more saddened by the man I loved leaving me than me leaving my son. I know that Heavenly Father was with me when I said goodbye to my son and I'm sure he was there for me with the break up, but I learned again how much the Lord really was with me through this whole thing and always is with me. So to any other birth moms who may go through this, just remember that the Lord is with you and it may not be all the strange that you hurt more with certain things than when you said goodbye to your child because He loves you enough to help you through the harder times and let us learn from the other maybe not so hard times.
A few months ago I thought my life was going to be so different. Back in August I met someone and thought he was the one. I thought my life was going to be with him for eternity. Well it didn't work out that way. At first I wondered why the Lord would let me go through this when I just went through something so hard. That sat with me for a while and I finally realized that the Lord didn't let me go through this I did. All the things I went through were because of decisions I made. The Lord is just there for me when I fall or am hurt and even happy.
I was having a really hard time with this break up. I wondered why. Normally I get over these things pretty quick and I wasn't. I mean after all I just placed my son with a new family to be raised I should have been able to handle this pretty well right? Wrong! I felt HORRIBLE knowing that things with this guy had ended and that I was hurting more than I was when I said goodbye to my baby boy. I came to the conclusion that I knew for 7 months that I was going to be placing him. I prayed that I would remember in the times that were the hardest that this really was and is the right thing for ALL of us. When I met this guy I just had such strong feelings for him that I was sure he was the one. We talked about marriage, but in the end it didn't work out. I didn't think we wouldn't be together. I pictured my whole life with him. I imagined being in the temple with him, and what my kids with him would look like. I mean everything you think of when wanting to marry someone I thought of. Anyways 7 months I had to think about, pray about, and prepare to say goodbye to my son. I had all of one minute to realize that this guy was saying goodbye to me forever. I was feeling so guilty because I couldn't handle feeling that I was more saddened by the man I loved leaving me than me leaving my son. I know that Heavenly Father was with me when I said goodbye to my son and I'm sure he was there for me with the break up, but I learned again how much the Lord really was with me through this whole thing and always is with me. So to any other birth moms who may go through this, just remember that the Lord is with you and it may not be all the strange that you hurt more with certain things than when you said goodbye to your child because He loves you enough to help you through the harder times and let us learn from the other maybe not so hard times.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Time
Well it is time for an update. Jason is doing great. He is one big boy and absolutely LOVES his family. He scoots around and his mom said that when he wants something he wants it right now and cries until he gets it. Sounds a bit like me. Well I don't cry, but when I want something I want it right then and there. He is a very happy baby as you can see by his pictures.
As for me....well that is a different story. I am doing okay most times. I love hearing about how Jason is doing, but at times I miss him so much that nothing seems to soothe my empty arms. I just wish I could kiss his chubby little cheeks and squeeze him tight and tell him that I love him everyday. I wish I could take my time watching him grow day by day. On the flip side I get more pictures than I ever imagined I would and get to see the changes in that cute chubby little face and personality.
Spiritually things seem to get a bit hard for me when my emotions are not on point, but I do remember to turn to the Lord. I am working on trying to remember the Lord when things are easy and tough and not to try to do it all on my own, but sometimes I forget. I love being a part of this gospel. Sometimes I think it was so easy to just stay where I was, but I realize it really isn't because of the guilt I feel.
I met a new birth mom a few weeks ago and it took me back to where I was and how the unknown was so scary. I remember not knowing how I was really going to feel about the actions I was about to take. I have truly been blessed with my experience and am happy to meet new birth moms and share our stories. I hope that one day I can help someone who maybe isn't doing the same thing I did, but is still having a hard time with changing their life. If not it doesn't really matter because I if anything else have changed.
As for me....well that is a different story. I am doing okay most times. I love hearing about how Jason is doing, but at times I miss him so much that nothing seems to soothe my empty arms. I just wish I could kiss his chubby little cheeks and squeeze him tight and tell him that I love him everyday. I wish I could take my time watching him grow day by day. On the flip side I get more pictures than I ever imagined I would and get to see the changes in that cute chubby little face and personality.
Spiritually things seem to get a bit hard for me when my emotions are not on point, but I do remember to turn to the Lord. I am working on trying to remember the Lord when things are easy and tough and not to try to do it all on my own, but sometimes I forget. I love being a part of this gospel. Sometimes I think it was so easy to just stay where I was, but I realize it really isn't because of the guilt I feel.
I met a new birth mom a few weeks ago and it took me back to where I was and how the unknown was so scary. I remember not knowing how I was really going to feel about the actions I was about to take. I have truly been blessed with my experience and am happy to meet new birth moms and share our stories. I hope that one day I can help someone who maybe isn't doing the same thing I did, but is still having a hard time with changing their life. If not it doesn't really matter because I if anything else have changed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)