Life

I often wonder what my life will be like in the future. At this time in my life I always thought I would be married with a few kids and as happy as can be. Obviously this isn't how my life is right now. I am as happy as I can be right now and I had one child, but am not raising him.

A few months ago I thought my life was going to be so different. Back in August I met someone and thought he was the one. I thought my life was going to be with him for eternity. Well it didn't work out that way. At first I wondered why the Lord would let me go through this when I just went through something so hard. That sat with me for a while and I finally realized that the Lord didn't let me go through this I did. All the things I went through were because of decisions I made. The Lord is just there for me when I fall or am hurt and even happy.

I was having a really hard time with this break up. I wondered why. Normally I get over these things pretty quick and I wasn't. I mean after all I just placed my son with a new family to be raised I should have been able to handle this pretty well right? Wrong! I felt HORRIBLE knowing that things with this guy had ended and that I was hurting more than I was when I said goodbye to my baby boy. I came to the conclusion that I knew for 7 months that I was going to be placing him. I prayed that I would remember in the times that were the hardest that this really was and is the right thing for ALL of us. When I met this guy I just had such strong feelings for him that I was sure he was the one. We talked about marriage, but in the end it didn't work out. I didn't think we wouldn't be together. I pictured my whole life with him. I imagined being in the temple with him, and what my kids with him would look like. I mean everything you think of when wanting to marry someone I thought of. Anyways 7 months I had to think about, pray about, and prepare to say goodbye to my son. I had all of one minute to realize that this guy was saying goodbye to me forever. I was feeling so guilty because I couldn't handle feeling that I was more saddened by the man I loved leaving me than me leaving my son. I know that Heavenly Father was with me when I said goodbye to my son and I'm sure he was there for me with the break up, but I learned again how much the Lord really was with me through this whole thing and always is with me. So to any other birth moms who may go through this, just remember that the Lord is with you and it may not be all the strange that you hurt more with certain things than when you said goodbye to your child because He loves you enough to help you through the harder times and let us learn from the other maybe not so hard times.