Me and my little guy Jason

Me and my little guy Jason

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

News!!!

I had blogged a few days ago about how things were going in my life with certain emotions I was having. Well....on Sunday I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting on Scheduling the Savior in our lives. At first I thought it was a hard topic to speak on and it still is kind of, but when I was asked Brother Job made a comment that has stuck with me the past few days. He said "well with everything going on in your life lately, maybe preparing this talk throughout the week will help you focus MORE on the Savior and things will get better." Well it has only been two days and boy has my week been great so far.

For example I woke up yesterday and thought I was going to die because I went jogging. Ok....I attempted to, but none the less I ran. While I was running and trying to clear my mind the topic of my talk came to mind. Of course the big question came "do I schedule the Savior in my life?" So when I came home I knelt down and started praying about somethings that were on my mind and found myself thinking of ways to better schedule the Savior in my life. Shortly after those thoughts I started telling the Lord that I wanted to give things up in my life, but I didn't know how. Right after my prayer I had all the strength I needed to make some phone calls and texts to rid myself of certain things holding me back from growing. I still have that strength, but know if I don't work at it I may not stay strong. Anyways I went to my parents house and had all this energy after my run and started cleaning refrigerators, freezers, and junk drawers. It felt good to do some service. Then I got my new laptop in the mail which is exciting because I want to take some online classes in the fall. The best part of my day was when I saw that the blog Jasons mom made for me was updated. Could the day really get much better after that? YES.....I got a job! I immediately knew I had made the right choices that morning and was being blessed because of it. I have NEVER felt that strongly about my prayers being answered so quickly and know immediately I was being blessed because of the decisions I made.

I don't have a lot more to blog about except I do want to say that I love the adoptive family my baby is with. They give more pictures than I could have ever hoped for and they keep me informed on everything he does. I get videos that I never even thought about asking for. I feel very blessed lately and am very grateful for all I have.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Life

I often wonder what my life will be like in the future. At this time in my life I always thought I would be married with a few kids and as happy as can be. Obviously this isn't how my life is right now. I am as happy as I can be right now and I had one child, but am not raising him.

A few months ago I thought my life was going to be so different. Back in August I met someone and thought he was the one. I thought my life was going to be with him for eternity. Well it didn't work out that way. At first I wondered why the Lord would let me go through this when I just went through something so hard. That sat with me for a while and I finally realized that the Lord didn't let me go through this I did. All the things I went through were because of decisions I made. The Lord is just there for me when I fall or am hurt and even happy.

I was having a really hard time with this break up. I wondered why. Normally I get over these things pretty quick and I wasn't. I mean after all I just placed my son with a new family to be raised I should have been able to handle this pretty well right? Wrong! I felt HORRIBLE knowing that things with this guy had ended and that I was hurting more than I was when I said goodbye to my baby boy. I came to the conclusion that I knew for 7 months that I was going to be placing him. I prayed that I would remember in the times that were the hardest that this really was and is the right thing for ALL of us. When I met this guy I just had such strong feelings for him that I was sure he was the one. We talked about marriage, but in the end it didn't work out. I didn't think we wouldn't be together. I pictured my whole life with him. I imagined being in the temple with him, and what my kids with him would look like. I mean everything you think of when wanting to marry someone I thought of. Anyways 7 months I had to think about, pray about, and prepare to say goodbye to my son. I had all of one minute to realize that this guy was saying goodbye to me forever. I was feeling so guilty because I couldn't handle feeling that I was more saddened by the man I loved leaving me than me leaving my son. I know that Heavenly Father was with me when I said goodbye to my son and I'm sure he was there for me with the break up, but I learned again how much the Lord really was with me through this whole thing and always is with me. So to any other birth moms who may go through this, just remember that the Lord is with you and it may not be all the strange that you hurt more with certain things than when you said goodbye to your child because He loves you enough to help you through the harder times and let us learn from the other maybe not so hard times.